Friday, November 25, 2005
This is the first time I ever felt lonely and emptiness in my working life. I truly believe that humans will change. I used to be happy go lucky but everything change when I went back to work. I seem to lose them all within a day. I wish to find my smile, my laughter, the old me. The whole office becomes quiet till even the pin drop can hear when it was released. I do not know if I’m really happy with the current me. I do not seem to be able to understand myself anymore. What do I really want? What makes me change to have this silly thinking? Maybe it’s the surrounding that forces me to change. I do not know what is to do and what is not to do. Why can't I listen to the rational me? Why does my heart always win over my mind? Its makes me puzzled. I shall not continue or people will think I trying to act pitiful. Sometimes, I wonder if I can really be firm in my decision which my mind has made then I won't suffer agony, pain and sadness. It's always my heart that makes the wrong decision yet the person who suffered most is me. Maybe, if I can be more cruel and heartless, my life will be much happier unlike now. I felt hurt and agony. Suffering in silence, even if anybody knows, they won’t pity me but ridicule me for my stupidity. Yes, I'm stupid, I’m silly or whatever you people comment about me, but if you are in my state, I don’t think you will be laughing at all. You are not me so u will not know how I feel. When can I really learn to love myself and stop hurting myself? Why can’t I learn to control my own emotion? Memories are always that beautiful .I won’t deny. Why can’t our life live in the world of memories and fantasy? Why is reality always so different from my point of view? When can I ever find peace in me? Why do I suffer so much yet some people just simply push all the blame on others? Who can help me? I want to cry, my heart told me so but why aren’t I cry. Why am I always holding back my tears? Holding back my tears is not an easy task. Well, even if I will, it will never be able to lessen my pain because after the tears. There is a pair of despise eyes on me. Tear makes me look even worst in the person's eyes. A weakling, I suppose. It seems to be funny, cry give people a sense of pity yet my cry give people a sense of despise. Cry is always wrong. Everything I do is wrong. I seem like I will never able to make the right choice. I'm such a loser or I can say, a pathetic fool. Anyway, who will care? Who cares about how will I feel? No one but just me, myself and I. Everything seem nothing important to me and I don’t care how others look at me.
Joyce shine on ::3:45 AM::
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